Friendship
Some folks really struggle with the expectations they have for friendship. I've been there myself - both sides of the tracks. On one side, I feel the only time people call is when they want something from me. On the other side, some of my friends must think "the only time Jim calls is when he wants something." I think the issue boils down to getting real and letting go of ridiculous expectations.
I ran across an article the other day on the MSN website that I thought was worthy of a little cutting and pasting. It talks about the different kinds of friends we need in our lives instead of thinking that one friend must meet all of our needs. It's not rocket science but I think it's a good reminder. It's a simple article about managing the idea of friendship. I just included the meat, read below if you're interested in the author's view of the type of friends you need:
1. A lifelong friend
She sees past your bifocals to the art-loving, boy-crazy girl you were at 16. "These friends remind you that you are still the person you've always been," says Rebecca G. Adams, PhD, a leading friendship researcher and sociology professor at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro. Longtime intimates are special, she adds: "Who else knew your family when you were growing up?" Nurture these ties by starting a members-only Web site--services such as Yahoo or Google groups are free and make it easy. Use your groups to plan vacations or share links to digital photo albums. Or keep things low tech--just stick a card in the mail now and then.
2. A new friend
Unlike old buddies, these companions have no preconceived notions about you. "As we get older, we can fall into ruts," says Pamela McLean, PhD, a psychologist in Santa Barbara, CA. "New friends ignite different kinds of thinking, fresh ways of being." What's more, they'll connect you to another network of people, says Rosemary Blieszner, PhD, a professor at Virginia Tech who has researched friendships among older women. "That can be useful if you need to change jobs or are looking for a romantic partner." Find these relationships by trying unfamiliar activities. Gillette, for instance, bonded with a new group of women when she developed a passion for the craft of rug hooking.
3. A workout friend
Experts agree that exercising--whether via walking, golfing, or Latin dancing--is one of the most important things you can do for your physical and mental health and longevity. A University of Connecticut study of 189 women ages 59 to 78 found that strong social support was key to maintaining a new exercise regimen for 1 year. If you don't have active friends nearby, find one on prevention.com (go to the Fitness section, click on "Walking" and then "Find a walking buddy"). Next, set a joint goal. According to Marcia G. Ory, PhD, a researcher at Texas A&M Health Science Center, it's the best way to boost the get-healthy payoff of a workout partner, because neither of you is poking and prodding the other, which is a recipe for resentment. Train together for an event--the high of crossing the finish line in tandem can cement your friendship.
4. A spiritual friend
Being part of a spiritual community--not necessarily an organized religion--helps people stay resilient, research shows. A study from Duke University Medical Center found that people who regularly attended religious services or engaged in activities like prayer, meditation, or Bible study had a 50% lower risk of dying over a 6-year period than others of the same age and health status. That's not to say it's easy to forge a connection in a room of 300 worshippers or meditating on your own. Seek more intimate opportunities at a local church or temple: Get involved in a food drive campaign or a lecture series. Or try a neighborhood yoga center or a community college; they often offer spiritually meaningful courses.
5. A younger friend
How did you write your first novel? How did you raise three teens without losing your mind? Whether she's 10 years or two generations younger, this friend really wants to know. Studies show that an essential element of a happy life is to nurture and feel useful to others--by cooking a wholesome meal, say, or passing on what you've learned through experience. For many women, that itch gets scratched by raising children. But when your kids move out, mentoring younger friends can give you that same feeling, Blieszner says. To maximize the benefits of this friendship, let advice flow in both directions. A younger confidante may be able to recommend a CD to buy for your niece--or give fresh perspective on current events.
6. A friend who can empathize
A hot flash is a little cooler, an empty nest a little less lonely, with a friend who's going through something similar. This same-stage pal can help heal what's ailing you. "I'm 57 and my husband, 71, has Alzheimer's, which is not easy for most of my friends to relate to--they're my age, and it's usually a disease of older people," says McLean. Seek out confidantes who understand by attending support groups locally or online. But no matter if you're dealing with a partner's illness or just the temporary insanity of a teenager, be sure the two of you do more than commiserate: Help each other reduce stress by getting out of your usual routines. Go for weekly hikes or meet for a monthly movie night--a little fun in the company of a friend will get you back on course.
